So I’m officially exposing my biggest truth. I’m a transgender woman. I know this may come as a large shock to most of you since I never showed signs of my feminine side. When you think of me I’m sure you have lots of images of my person and my “masculine” hobbies like backpacking, working on cars, building, and construction but these things don’t necessarily define what you feel inside.
Ever since I was really young I remember feeling different, wrong, and out of place and I was painfully aware of it. I guess I had a different vibe than the other boys and it was hard to make friends as a young kid ( With the exception of some awesome friends like Eli D and Mike K ). Having social issues I actually repeated kindergarten to get me in a better place…yes, I was originally supposed to be class of 1999, not 2000. Looking back this was all a product of my gender dysphoria.
Come middle school I was getting to know myself much better and how to understand my feelings. At this point, I felt this strong desire to be feminine. I saw the girls in school around me start to develop and I was jealous. So by 12, I was dressing in women’s clothing when nobody was around at home and it just felt unexplainably right. I also was very interested in transitioning (I don’t even remember where I found out that you could ) to live as a woman. Being that I was picked on a school already, transitioning seemed like a nightmare so my “plan” was to wait to finish high school ..mind you I was 12. As I got older and society’s stereotypes were drilled into my head and perception became important I just thought I had something really wrong with me so I buried my feelings deep, very deep and I figured I just had to take control of myself. So that’s what I did for the next 25 years. The sense of feeling out of place and wrong never left me though and the feeling of being feminine on the inside just had to be “managed”. In that time I had my super amazing and beautiful daughter Leah so my life became mostly about her and it was much easier to ignore things within…but I still wasn’t happy with myself.
So fast forward to this summer of 2018, after relationship issues, I felt like I had hit bottom. I had to start over again and figure myself out from the start. At that point, I started digging deep within and began to explore the feminine feelings I pushed down forever. After experimenting with some clothing and makeup I discovered something amazing. When I looked into the mirror I didn’t feel wrong and I was truly happy with what I looked like. This was huge and with my interest piqued I soon discovered a treasure trove of other people’s experiences online which eventually led me to learn about transgender people. It was amazing to find other people that had near-identical feelings and experiences in their own life. Needing to know more and fully understand my own feelings I read thousands of posts on Reddit, asked questions, and watched hundreds of videos on youtube. Come early August my “egg” cracked and I finally came to accept the wild truth that I was indeed transgender. I felt really good about myself and free for about a week and then the gender dysphoria that masked itself as feeling odd or weird exploded. All the feelings that I had been repressing forever just began pushing out like a geyser. I felt alone and unable to deal with the feelings. I had to talk to someone or I was going to lose it. I sat my Mom down and had the hardest conversation of my entire life. Although tough for her she was beyond supportive and really helped me get back on track, what an amazing woman she is.
By the end of Sept, I knew I needed to transition. The gender dysphoria was still oppressive and I realized that when I focused on transitioning to a woman is eased up significantly. I started working out goals and a plan. I started intermittent fasting and lost 15 lbs, cleaned up my body and focused on skincare, growing the hair on my head, started laser hair removal for my face, began vocal training, learned how to do makeup, and started building up a wardrobe. I also started telling people slowly about me being trans and I was overjoyed to be met with love and acceptance. I began working with the northwell transgender center and then started seeing a gender psychologist. My goal was to start HRT or hormone replacement therapy as soon as possible. The drugs basically block your testosterone and give your body estrogen to run on instead just like a CIS woman ( a CIS person is one that’s gender identity is the same as their assigned gender at birth..so like normal people haha)
The next few months were more of working on my goals and going out and getting comfortable in girl mode in public. I give lots of credit to Jen R. for actually going out with me and helping me become more comfortable. This whole experience really fortified me and really built up my character. It takes a ton of courage to go out as trans and become comfortable with yourself. It was exhilarating but very scary at the same time. I felt like everyone in the world was judging me terribly. Eventually, I stopped caring much about what other people thought and just accepted myself for who I was. Once my mind state changed so did most people’s reactions. My awkwardness turned to positive energy and smiles. The world started opening at that point, I was having fun interactions with people and I began to be a good representative of the trans community, not just some weird person.
The hardest part of the whole experience was coming out to my daughter Leah, I thought it would crush her…boy was I surprised. She understood with such maturity and was so accepting I was bowled over by it. She actually thought it was really cool since we could do more girl stuff together lol. She was so excited she went to school and told her friends. I was def glad I spoke to her teacher before her lol. To this day she is still one of my biggest supporters.
So come December I was finally allowed to start on HRT under the supervision of planned parenthood which wasn’t a decision to be taken lightly. HRT basically sends you on puberty #2 only female for me this time. It takes time for all the changes but it is magical. It changes your skin, sex drive, smell, sense of smell, depth of emotions, body shape, face shape, fat distribution, hair growth, eye shape and allows you to grow breasts. For me, the mental effects were an absolute blessing. Within 2 days of being on HRT, I felt an intense sense of calm. The dysphoria that had been banging on my door quieted. My low-lying depression, my feeling of wrong, and my anxiety are also mostly gone. To top it off it also reduced my ADD. HRT has been a miracle for me.
At this point, I have been on HRT for almost 3 months and I’m really happy with the direction my life has been going. I have been living as truthful of existence as possible and I feel like I have grown so much as a person. I feel like I can live life as the person I feel inside and it’s not locked away as a large secret. I give lots of thanks to key friends and family who have supported me in recent times, it really helped me become comfortable with myself. To everyone else, I apologize for not reaching out as my transition had taken a good chunk of my time. I do feel like I’m settling in at this point and look forward to reconnecting with everyone that I haven’t seen or talked to in a while. I am going by the pronouns she & her now so thanks! I have also been running with the name Jessica recently. Thanks again for everyone’s love and support and I’m happy to answer anyone’s question!
Read more on www.cutejess.com
- Name: Jessica Potak
- Age: 39
- NY, USA
- Hair Color: Red/ Brown
- Eye Color: Brown
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org